Yikes, Stripes.

I apologize for the duration in which I haven't written... I feel as though it takes a while for my creativity levels to refuel, and I was feeling quite unorganized and un-witty the last couple of weeks. As a result, this blog is a meandering through my thoughts. I am betting it might be a little too much of intimate look inside my head for some - others will get that corny movie scene where you can totally hear me saying these silly things I am about to write. Whatever, skip over it if you want; this is a diary blog without plot or sequence.

To catch up: since returning from London, I went to a retreat with the American Church in Paris to the ville of Houlgate in Normandie. We stayed right on the beach in a neat quasi-conference center that was really more like a dorm with large common areas. Growing up in the church, I experienced a number of lock-ins, youth retreats, church camp weekends, and the like. However, I have never before experienced the learning potential and dynamic of having an all-church retreat; families and youth, seniors and young adults - everyone came together to participate. As a young adult, I experienced fellowship with adults who have lived and seen more, with kids outside of a Sunday school atmosphere, and with other young adults who have matching struggles to mine. I encourage any of you who feel comfortable to encourage your church family to organize such a retreat.

What I took away from this experience was a refreshed, relaxed newness: spiritually, emotionally, and physically. There was no "church camp high" for me like I'd seek in 8th grade singing praise around the campfire; but instead there was fulfillment, continued longing to know more, and fabulous friendships made. Goodness gracious - if I have anything to be thankful for this Thanksgiving it is friends and family back home, and the young women of the ACP who can grow with and challenge me in my journey to trust in God.

I just got off the phone with my mom prior to this entry; a little Turkey Day chat. She helped me to realize something pretty interesting. You may or may not know this, but coming to Paris as an Au Pair to care for the children of a fairly wealthy family gave me some heavy conflictions. Yes, it is a bit of a dream, and on occasion a cush job. But coming from the whirlwind of Texas A&M University, where school, work and a women's service organization demanded compassion, earnest effort and selfless service got me to think "Am I really doing enough by going to Paris for this job? Am I a putz for not being in a more laborious field where I am directly serving the poor, the hungry, the unempowered?" Here's the answer: NO. I prayed super specifically over this position. Every prayer was answered so specifically it's pretty comical; the Lord MOVED in my heart and made some bold moves in my life.

How I got here:

I graduated from A&M not knowing what to do for the next step, and knowing that was OK. You know me, you know my heart - I love to plan. And for the first time in my life I had prayed over and decided to give God the time and the trust to leap into an unknown without closing any doors on my own. I prayed about a job search, and made my lists. I knew that after searching the corporate sector [not terribly extensively, I'll admit] that wasn't where I was being led at that time. I then checked out this whole au pair thing, with the romantic idea of being in Paris wearing fabulous shoes and sitting at a cafe with a bowl of cappucino reading a novel... and 6 weeks later I moved here. The bowl of cappucino has happened, with the novel once and with some good conversation another time; the fabulous shoes - well, they deserve a chance out, but with so much walking here... eh, I digress.

My point though is this: I am meant to be here. I have prayed for insight into His will, and this is what I have come up with [with the help of mom]: I am here to learn; about another culture, another language, about patience and selflessness with kids [yikes] and about what it means to stop trying to put my plans into motion. I have literally "planned" how neat it would be to have such-and-such apartment in D.C. with such-and-such semi-corporate job that sends me on travel for roughly 30% of the year; the gym that would be preferably on the same street as work so I could keep a locker and workout each morning still having the time to grab a smoothie or coffee on the way into work... there are drawings and lists of projects for the interior design of said apartment in D.C., how to organize the fabulous walk-in closet, the list goes on, I assure you.

WHO AM I? Why in the world did I "plan" all that? Now, in a year, if/when none of that happens I will be disappointed or some other slightly-less-than-exuberant emotion at what I should be ecstatic about because it is God's perfect plan for me. Will I never learn? But these are some of my struggles. I want to be the independent single girl again. Or not single... that would be fine. But I do know that as much as I look forward to a time of having my own place, I appreciate that I have a place at all; and that if absolutely 0% of the items on my list receive checkmarks, I have a place where Jesus is waiting for me to put down my planner, and take a chill pill.

Also, I was inspired to write a blog about fearlessness, as I realized the other day that there are many connotations to that word in my life here. Sometimes good ones: where I know that I can leap and land in the Louvre and if something isn't exactly as I imagined, well the worst-case scenario is that I go to the Tuileries gardens outside and people-watch. Not so bad. Also bad ones: I am not really so badass that I don't get scared. I get scared all the time; "Am I doing this right with the kids? Am I going to get caught doing somehting stupid that really never happens except for the one time when I was seen screwing up? Am I lost? Am I sticking to the familiar in order to not get lost and thus losing my sense of adventure? Am I losing my Spanish? When do I get to feel comfortable again? Am I longing for the dreaded complacency?!"

In case you were wondering, I am working through these questions, but though this is a blog that follows [a very indirect] path inside my head and heart, if you have insight, answers or where to look for answers, I would appreciate your sharing. I mean, that's why you're friends with me, right? [Family didn't get a choice; you're stuck with me. :)]

Recap: I am thankful for you, I am constantly getting knocked down a peg, I continue to seek answers, and you can help me out by talking with me. And I feel super narcisstic after this post, I guess because it was candid. I hope you still think I am cool.

Love.